editorial: i wrote this the other night and thought it too "unfinished" to publish...not too raw, per say, but it just doesn't feel closed. which, when it boils down to it, is my current state of being.
so with that, read on, my friends...
"when a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream."
-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
it is in amazement that i observe the wonders of the universe on a daily basis; how people, situations, nature, all of it comes together to send a message. understanding that language, speaking that dialect, is absolutely dependent upon perspective, upon personal strength, openness, acceptance, peace.
peace is a good one. a tricky state to obtain - or maintain - for me personally, since it requires stillness. stillness in the figurative sense rather than the literal, although the two are not mutually exclusive, they do not necessarily come as one. they aren't synonymous with each other. I struggle with stillness at times, as do we all I would imagine, as it requires fully accepting the present moment. at the very least it requires feeling the present moment, and the present moment is often tinged with past experiences, joys, sorrows, and expectations for the future. this is not stillness. this association, this search from the brain for similar or like experiences from our mental rolodex, this automatic habit of the heart to seek out like situations, emotional parallels, is a diversion tactic to avoid living, feeling, reality. many times this may serve as a defense mechanism to avoid suffering through something painful, or a warning indicator to caution fully enjoying what is actually happening, but it also prohibits us from seeing things as they truly are. it morphs people, places, and circumstances, which is neither fair to those affected, nor is it fair to me, to you, to all of us.
the inability to be still, to listen to our own heart, steers us in the wrong direction. it leads us astray.
let me speak solely for myself here and not be presumptuous:
it leads me astray.
I know this, thus I try my darndest to keep the communication open. but, see, I shut my heart off for a long time. I suspect many of us have done this, oftentimes without consciously realizing we were doing it. the heart, however, the heart knew, the heart knows that we did it. and so i am working on continuing to show my hear that it can trust me, that i will be there for it in the best of times and the worst of times. that, even in times of sorrow or disappointment, that we will work through ti together and it will never be left behind.
i spent the last two days re-reading the alchemist. a coworker brought it up just as i had noticed it on my bookshelf. not sure I've mentioned this before, but it was time. as soon as i started, it was as if i had not eaten in a year. my heart, my soul, the universe inside of me, they all wanted more. it was as though the world placed it on my nightstand at just the right moment.
interesting how that happens.
i have half-joked that i am going through an existential crisis, that i am questioning where my life is going so as to do it the most justice i can while i am still living it. so as to fully satisfy the greater purpose for why i was given the opportunity to embark on this awe-inspiring, incredibly eye-opening, and so often brutal journey called life. it is said with a twinge of sarcasm so as not to freak out those who aren't ready to embark on their own journey. it is meant more as a reminder to myself that, at the end of the day, that is the ultimate goal i have for myself, that God has for me. i am in search of my own personal legend.
i am closer. i have hunches, feelings. i am actually fairly confident that i am aware of what it is, but i defer not to any sort of confidence within myself, but more so to confidence in that God with align the universe so that it steers me in the direction that is meant for me.
my first inclination was to say "right for me", but that would imply that there is a right and a wrong, rather than the fact that i choose to go down this path. that i choose to follow the signs. that i am consciously trying to operate from that place of openness i spoke so passionately about earlier.
call me crazy, but i am broadcasting this to everyone. ok, not EVERYONE, but many. it is a reminder to myself. it is my own accountability group. i am putting it out there in the universe, without judgment, with implicit faith in the fact that i must take risks, but still maintain an air of caution for those not altruistically motivated.
i know i will encounter difficulty, trials, tribulations.
i prefer to call them lessons.
i hope to be rewarded, but i need not count on anything. i know that, by virtue of embarking on the journey, i already reap the benefit.
i already grow.
that's some pretty existential shit, right there.