Monday, December 3, 2012

a new reality.

I wrote this almost nine months ago, after dropping my little bit off for the first overnight visit with my estranged spouse.

Funny how this memory feels like a lifetime ago, but the pain of it is ever at my fingertips. It never fades.

Such is a mother's love.
My dearest little one,

I just dropped you off with your father for the very first time less than one hour ago.

Regardless that I realize this is the best decision for both you and I, there is no denying that my world will never be the same.

I have loved you more than I have loved even myself since the day I knew you were on your way. It has been 18 months, 3 weeks and one day since I have been separated from you more than just a few hours on the outside. Add pregnancy to that and it has been almost 2 ½ years.

I will never be able to explain to you how long it took me to get here, to this place where the greater good for both of us is to have you spend timely separately with both your father and I, but I trust that one day you will realize that your mami did what was best. That your mami protected you until the end of the Earth, and that she will continue to do so with an unprecedented ferocity until the end of time.

You deserve everything I have had in my life and so much more. I have already denied you a complete nuclear family, but I hope you will never understand that our was family never that, that what mami wanted so much to give you from the very beginning was always a few eggs short of a dozen.
What I wish for you in the future is health and happiness. You have all of my love. I hope that one day I can provide you with an example of a genuine, healthy, love-filled blended family. As much as I think that you will on more than one occasion be disappointed with your father, the goodness in me hopes that for your sake I am wrong. That maybe, just maybe, for you he will change. Unfortunately for me, I have 7 years of proof that he has not, but I can only hope that he learns how to love outside of himself, for you. Of course, this is where the human mommy side of me chirps that it will be better for me if he doesn’t, because obviously I want your deliciousness, your sweetness, your smell and smiles and straight-from-the-moon kisses all for me, but that is beside the point.
For you, I hope that it is different, that he is different. I hope that he learns from this.

I don’t know that you will ever read this. I don’t know if I can ever let you read this. I don’t ever want to be to blame for negative feelings about your father. I want you to know that you were, and are, the best thing that has ever happened to me, and that every millimeter of you is sheer and absolute perfection. Words cannot do justice for my love for you; and even now, as I know in the back, center and front of my mind that you are not here, as every cell in my body aches for you to tug at my hip saying “Uppa!”, I still  manage to look up at My So-Called Life reruns on TV and for a split second think that you are sleeping and I should turn it down.

Old habits die hard.
I love you to the ends of the Earth and back. Mami te quiero muuucho y GRAAAAANDE.
Besitos de pececito,