there have been so many signs that have been presented to me recently. signs that point in a direction i have only dreamed about, and dreamed about in the secret crevices of my heart of hearts. the dreams that one dares to dream, that lie somewhere over the rainbow.
these dreams are what are making me feel i am living in color, and yet, there is still a layer of fear that i continue to battle. let's be honest, there are multiple layers of fear that i continue to peel away. but can i say that the more that i offer up of myself, share my true, authentic, fully-present self to individuals ready to accept the gift of that, the more i am rewarded. the more i feel overwhelmed at the reaction, the connection, the gratitude i feel from others?? it is that openness, that sharing, that is truly the biggest gift i - or anyone - can give to someone else. it is the very act of sharing what you inherently possess - your heart of hearts, your naked, vulnerable, deliberate person - that resonates. it screams from the rooftops and whispers in the darkness. it is the blind caress in the middle of the night that is instinctive, unpretentious.
it is raw.
...and it is scary.
funny, after writing that down, my first thought is that i tend to often put that in there, the fear, the hesitation, and i wonder why i feel the need to interject that when i am not entirely sure i own that fear. sure, it is scary, but SO WHAT? the more i feed that wolf, the stronger it gets...the greater it is able to fight at winning the war, and if there is one thing i am becoming adept at clawing out of, it is the rabbit hole of fear, of negativity, of impossibility.
I REFUSE TO THINK IMPOSSIBLE.
i am spiritual. i believe in god, a higher power greater than myself, than this life. faith is a huge part of who i am, who i have become, and who i will grow into...and if there is one thing i know and truly have blind faith in, it is "through him, all things are possible." i know - with more certainty than i would care to admit anything - that whatever it is that i am capable of, that is meant for me, that i can DREAM, and BE and DO, i know that it is ALL POSSIBLE, no double negatives here, just possibility. HUGE POSSIBLITY.
and you know what?!?
here's the best part:
that possibility...that HUGE POSSIBILITY...it is there. it is here.
it is present, and living, and thriving, in ALL of us.
Every. Single. One.
how 'bout dem apples?!? what better news can you receive, can you fully embrace, what better gift can you get than the certainty that whatever you can DREAM, you can DO?!?
now i am not saying it is meant to happen, or that it is the right thing for me, or you, or any of us. i, for example, dream of lying on a beach, after having won the lottery, obviously, and sipping on daiquiris all day while my perfect little blonde children frolic in the sun Coppertone-style. and i eat dessert for every meal without hesitation because it will provide me the nutrients i need to survive and dessert is WONDERFUL. AMAZING. like manna from Heaven itself.
especially ice cream.
in reality, i have not (yet!) won the lottery, live an hour from the beach, and have an alcohol tolerance that would probably prohibit me from imbibing in no more than 3 daiquiris - max (ok, maybe 4). my daughter - the only child i have - is a gloriously dark-haired hurricane of excitable brown curls, flailing limbs, and emotions so prominently displayed on her face that it would be impossible to guess her volume dial is turned to anything but FULL THROTTLE except for just after she wakes and is still slightly sleepy. and that dessert concept? well let's just call that hypothesis something i'm diligently working on with mixed results...except that you can rest assured that dessert not being anything shy of AMAZING? well, i can confirm that with a high statistical degree of accuracy.
especially ice cream.
but i digress.
it is not in the literal sense that we hold endless possibilities, but in regards to our inherent potential to become our true selves. to fully embrace our strengths, our faults, our wins, our losses. the possibilities that are inherent in there being a greater purpose to our existence in this universe, in this world, on this continent. in this state, city, building, moment.
everything happens for a reason. or season. not just people, but places, situations, joys, sorrows. ALL of it is for a purpose, meant to contribute to how we view the world, treat others, treat ourselves. we raise our children to be respectful and kind and brave and caring. and then turn around and cuss someone out for cutting us off.
or so i hear.
just to clear things up, that cussing in traffic story is about a friend..
but that, folks, is what makes this rad, gnarly, phenomenal, heartbreaking journey The Greatest Ride We'll Ever Be On. that is what will keep us sitting in the seat, despite almost getting sick while it is in motion. actually, it keeps us on after we have already gotten sick. the potential of that unknown. the fact that each day provides us an opportunity to start anew, to wash away our past and create our future.
now, the risk-lovers out there are going - sweet, man! while those more risk-averse, the at-least-partially nurtured trait that i am trying to steer clear of, are shaking their heads and tsk-tsking away at the thought that someone would venture out to do anything that is not SAFE, or MANAGEABLE, or PLANNED WELL. i challenge you to fully embrace yourself - your true, inner, secret self - and ask yourself about dreams deferred. dust them off, dig them up, rehydrate those raisins in the sun where potential once lived, and brainstorm, dream, foster a way for them to be incorporated in your life, in a realistic way.
remove the tourniquet and let the blood flow back into that limb you've tried to ignore exists. look for a way, MULTIPLE WAYS, to add that color back into life that has so slowly faded over time.
there is a reason the clichés, the stereotypes, call working women and men, "suits", "drones"...that jobs and companies "suck the life out of you".
it isn't because they are awful. it is because they are not the right fit.
it is because you, me, all of us, have a purpose greater, higher - different, even - than we let ourselves reach for. even see, at times.
i challenge all of you, myself, everyone i come in contact with. i challenge those who choose to be a part of my life, even if in the periphery, to search for that, dig deeper, ask the difficult questions.
or, you know, i will ask you.
lord knows i am still not only searching, but on this crazy ride called life, self-discovery, self-fulfillment.
i am chucking out the window the notion that "social success" and "personal fulfillment" are equal to each other. what that does is equates all of us with things that may not be in line with our heart of hearts, our passions, and our purpose.
and i refuse to choose one or the other, personally. your choice may be different, but that is the beauty of the journey towards self-actualization: it is yours, and yours alone. it looks different to everyone, and no two are exactly alike.
it is the Fingerprint Of The Soul.
as i try to find a match for mine, to figure what exact combo of loops, whorls and arches it possesses, i discover something new. about myself, about my life, about others. i give of myself and am honored with the gift bestowed upon me by others: the sharing of their own dreams - whether buried deep, actively seeking oxygen, or in the land of the living thriving as a reality.
those gifts, those sacred spaces, those moments where i see others step into the light - oftentimes to their own surprise - that is when their brilliance shines so brightly it feels like staring into the sun. it is the moment we all come alive, even if for a second.
those moments, one after another, are selfishly the gifts i am most grateful for.
those are the foundation, the impetus. they are the building blocks that lift me, support me, propel me towards being fully present - or at least working at it - each and every day.
it is time to live in color.
please join me.
it is insanely worth it.