"Change your thoughts and your change your life."
"Since you alone are responsible for your thoughts, only you can change them."
~Paramahansa Yogananda
The first of these caught my eye while driving home yesterday. The latter popped up in my Google reader just a few moments ago. Two days, two not-so-random hints from the universe. Just as I am grappling with direction, with personal focus. What you put out is what you get back, yes?
Clearly, someone out there is trying to tell me something, and in this case, I am taking it as a much-needed reminder that only I hold the power to mold where my thoughts are going. More so, where I let them lead me.
I am taking the reigns today, getting back into the swing of things, drafting a plan. I am working on my future.
It's time these boots got to walkin'. Or writing, whatever.
On with the show. :)
“If you’re not terrified of the next step, your eyes are still closed. A caged bird in a boundless sky.” ~Jed McKenna
30-something. lover of living-out-loud, music, and ice cream. a mom, daughter, and friend. spills things and runs into curbs. frequently.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
dating.
Divorce has
left me afraid.
My ex-husband
has left me afraid.
Afraid of
being vulnerable, afraid of letting someone in. Really letting someone in.
I want love.
I love Love. But I don’t want it now, and I want it now. I don’t want it like I thought I had it. I want it how it is
supposed to be, how God wants it for me, how it will be healthiest for me in the
long term. How I want it for my daughter.
I suffer from
amnesia. It is amnesia induced specifically by attraction, by butterflies, by that
feeling we are all searching for, running after; by enthusiasm and newness and
promise. The promise of a new relationship: something beautiful, and meant-to-be,
out of a dream. No matter how many times I tell myself not to fall, no matter
how many times I try to temper my emotions, this amnesia kicks in. The amnesia
gives way to idealism and excitement and suddenly, out of nowhere, opens the
trap door as I am about to take a cautious (well, let’s be honest, I don’t do
much with caution. Haphazard, maybe?) step forward and BAM! I fall. I fall
hard, and fast, and unexpectedly. I hit the ground running sometimes, but it
never turns out the way it should. You know why? Because that trap door, I knew
to look out for it.
I am
idealistic, we’ve covered this. I want so much to fall. I want to fall hard,
and fast, and with my whole heart. And as much as I hope that one day someone will
want me to fall hard, and fast, and entirely, I don’t know that it will ever be
the easiest or best thing for me. That amnesia, it not only prevents me from
seeing and learning from past mistakes, it prevents me from seeing danger when
it’s there. It leads me to making the wrong choices; choices fueled by
impulsiveness. Choices where my heart goes and my head stays.
I’m not
saying not to fall, I’m not saying not to take the next step, but what I have
learned is that I can’t just forget it is coming or leap blindly. I can’t let go.
Not now, not yet. I need - in order to trust and believe in myself, for my own
self-preservation, for my daughter, for my heart - to watch out for that trap door,
avoid it for the moment. My heart, that little girl in me that has been hurt so
many times, we are working on falling in love with each other again. We are building a relationship, courting
each other, and I want them to fall for me. The only way I know how to do that
is to care more about fostering that trust, about nurturing that safety,
between them and myself than I am able to for someone else. I have never
allowed them to trust me as much as I have now, it has never been as vital as
it is now. I want them to trust me, I want to trust myself, I want to believe in myself, more so than I have
ever given myself permission to, and my gut is telling me that, in order to do
that, I have to prioritize myself more than ever. More than I have ever.
That
sometimes includes disregarding others’ advice and going out on a limb.
But, if that
limb is my own intuition, my own opinion, my gut…it is about God-damned time.
It has taken me
33 years to want to take care of myself more than anyone else. And it feels
scary, and self-indulgent, and simultaneously justified and deserved and just
like what that little girl has been waiting her whole life to hear: that she is
safe. That I am going to do my damnedest to show her I am the luckiest girl in
the world to be dating her. That I will never again take her for granted. Or
that at least I will try.
So, yes. Divorce
has made me afraid of letting someone in. Except that it has also taught me to
let in the one person who I tried so hard to shut out for so many years. It has
given me the opportunity to date the person I should have been courting my
entire life, for the first in a decade.
I am letting myself in again. And it feels so good.
It is about time.
Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if
I lost a part of me
I'd still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal
To let this love survive would be the greatest gift we could give
Tell all the friends who think they're so together
That these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather
Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms of love's discovery
I'd still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal
To let this love survive would be the greatest gift we could give
Tell all the friends who think they're so together
That these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather
Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms of love's discovery
Indigo Girls: Love’s Recovery
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