Thursday, August 8, 2013

what you need

You can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need
I asked. I asked for God's will...and here I am. Overwhelmed by all of the positive changes in my life, without proper time for the mourning of all that I have traded for this position, for these gifts, for this life. Positive, fruitful, promising changes I have longed for so, so many times, throughout the past year and a half. Positive, fruitful, promising changes that come with an entirely different mindset, an entirely different set of priorities than what I have accustomed myself to over the last three years.
It is bittersweet.
I am loving it.
I am sad.
I don't know if I asked for all of this, but I think I, God thinks I, need it. I need to keep on top of my game. My Game. The Game of Life where I Take Care of Myself, in all areas of my life. I need this to remind me just why I will be happy, just why it is that I want to be the master of the my own destiny (other than God, obviously). I need this to remind me to prioritize myself, my goals, my dreams, in just the right order, and to be responsible and accountable for each of these.
I want a break. I want to do the "fun stuff"...where I go out and meet people, where I go and discuss with others why I am the right fit for them, but in order to do that, as with all things worthwhile in life, there is a barrier to entry that I must meet, cross and accomplish, before I gain access to the party.
Ha. Hahahahaha.
The party that won't truly be a party until I have made it through the next 3-5 years.
But, on the bright side, I CAN DO THIS. I most definitely can do this after I make it past this first hurdle. Therefore, I WILL MAKE IT PAST THIS FIRST HURDLE.
I don't want to dwell on what I am missing out on by doing this, but I do believe it important to note this, because it otherwise grows stagnant within me instead of being free to fly out into the universe, to find it's own way.
I miss my baby. I miss snuggling her, playing with her, being annoyed at her insistence on things, being delighted and awed at her sense of humor, her observations, her musings about the world. I miss planning my day around what my plans with her will include.
I miss being a lady who lunches. A smart, articulate woman who doesn't work in an office because she is doing life's most important job - raising and shaping the future for the person she has loved most in her entire life.
I can't believe she's three. I can't believe it's over. I can't believe it has been a year and a half since I left my relationship - my abusive, demeaning and dysfunctional relationship.
I can't believe I was there for almost 7 years.
This....depression, this sadness, albeit passing (at least I am aware it is fleeting), it feels so cumbersome to have to deal with again.
I know, I know, these feelings all come to the surface, and will continue to come to the surface, during life transitions. Funny, I spend so much of my day talking about how my career is to specialize in "people in transition", all the while being a "person in transition" myself. If I am good at dealing with "them", how do I deal with me?
I sympathize, I empathize...I try to be caring and easy on those I meet and teach them, reiterate to them, how important it is to be easy on themselves; how vital it is that they learn to nurture themselves in ways that they wish someone had nurtured them, love themselves in ways they wished someone had loved them. Learn - hone, really - true self-sufficiency. True self-esteem. That they are already equipped with all the tools they need.
Life is all about lessons learned along the journey and not so much about where we finally end up, because we all end up, well, dead. Who wants to make life about death?
The problem occurs when the ride is not as smooth, or as fast or slow, or as exciting, or as easy, or going in the same direction - you name it - as we thought. It takes us for a spin in order to catch us off guard, throw our equilibrium off, because that is when the growing happens. That is when the wall is knocked down, to reveal a brighter today, and more potential for tomorrow, than we ever thought possible.
But all of this happens when we are least expecting, when we are not looking, and when we are busy doing the dirty work. If we do it right, if we learn the lessons that serve as a hammer in knocking down the wall standing between ourselves and the stairs to the next chapter, the possibilities for growth, for upward movement, are endless.
The sky's the limit.
But it all starts with a push. A push from friends, a push from loved ones, a gift from God - a belief in yourself that transcends all transitions. The ability to see through the emotions that present themselves in order to slow you down...but also the ability to acknowledge them with the tenderness, the sensitivity, and the kindness that we so strive to demonstrate to others. It all starts with being easy on yourself, then pushing through that barrier to entry.
Because I know I can make it. I know you can make it. And it's worth it.
Nothing in this life happens by chance.