Tuesday, November 4, 2014

growing into myself

my initial thought is to start this post with "what's wrong with me?' and honestly, I know there is nothing wrong with me, it is just the discomfort of feelings that make me vulnerable, that are scary, that aren't perfect and happy and content, that make me uncomfortable.

the sheer fact that I am inhabiting a body with needs and wants and feelings that I can't control, or even sometimes pinpoint yet, or that is always changing and not perfect - ALL of that, and so much more that I haven't even scratched the surface of yet, it all is just too much to bear sometimes. I can objectively say not ALL the time, but then again, I don't FEEL this way ALL the time, see. so when it comes, when the high begins to face or temper or reality becomes no longer picturesque in my mind, or my thoughts begin to bog me down...


then I try to fill the void.

then, is when I do, and talk, and eat, and run, and keep busy, and fill every waking moment. then is when I avoid being still.

THEN is when I need the MOST to BE STILL.

why is it that I am just so afraid to feel things sometimes? I would say it is because I have been hurt immensely before, but I think - I KNOW - it has more to do with a combination of factors.

my stuff.

my stuff is solely mine. my stuff it is not pretty. it is messy, and dirty, and complicated, and overwhelming, and too much to talk about sometimes, and spans the course of my 34 years, and it is mine.
did you read that correctly? can I say that again?

it is solely MINE.

my stuff is MINE. it is not yours, or my mother's, or my best friend's, or my neighbor's, or my boyfriend's. it is experiences, stories, pain, joy, sorrow, elation, abuse, sensitivity, empathy, LOVE, hate, regrets, wrinkles, broken pieces, and canvases upon canvases of beautiful artwork that was not only painted by me, but it was painted in blood, in a way. only I can sort through the cards coming up, as much as I have a large support network, as much as my friends and family and loved ones want to be there for me, I am the only one who has the key to unlock and walk through the door, who can translate the paragraphs to read and make sense of the story that is happening.'

it is this same concept that is both empowering and debilitating to those who feel even slightly alone, overwhelmed, like they are slogging through muddy waters.

it is this concept i challenge that is vital for those who are depressed, unhappy, struggling with guilt and shame and difficulty, with more emotional awareness than they can handle, with a plate full of as-yet unrecognizable food, to understand. to stop and realize.

because more than anything, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. you have NEVER been alone.

regardless of how alone you may feel. now. yesterday, now, tomorrow, in twenty years. TWO HUNDRED YEARS from now.

we will ALL feel some of these feelings. at some point, to varying degrees, because of a multitude of situations, or due to no situation at all that we can identify.

tragically, the end result of feelings this way, the resolution to this loneliness, the way out of this bottomless pit that is our ability to truly live in the human range of feelings?

for some, it can result in death.

you know, I didn't mean to get on this topic when I started. but I keep thinking of robin williams. his suicide, although unexpected, did not surprise me in the sense of the word. they say, those who can't do, teach. well, his life was a perfect example of that. I obviously pontificate on his situation without knowing him at all, but can speculate on the one topic that all too often has remains unnamed: depression. those who are blessed to experience the intense joy and happiness and sheer elation of LIFE - a life lived in TECHNICOLOR it seems at time - those who are fortunate enough to know the way to other's hearts, souls, minds, the ones who make you laugh, cry, feel, in large part because they are able to truly read and connect with all of those things inside of you, and You, and you, and YOU...we are the people who feel burdened by the responsibility of seeing, empathizing, feeling it almost as it if were ours. and then, carrying it with us to a degree.

I liken it to looking at others' through a feeling kaleidoscope. looking at someone and cutting through the crap, feeling at times like i am seeing something they are not, like they haven't gotten to what i'm seeing yet, but they will.

it has happened more than once.

i know i am not alone.

I've been lucky and gifted enough to meet a few kindred spirits who can identify with how i feel, and it is incredibly tough for them as well.

and, more so, I've recently been blessed beyond my own belief to love someone, to have them love me, who gives me space to feel this way. who knows he can't solve it, fix it, go through it for me...

but that somehow i don't have to go through it alone. that sometimes, all it takes is a hug.

i would say it is incredible, but slowly, one day at a time...

i am starting to believe it is real.

for all of us.