winds of change

it is amazing to me the saying, "it takes a village..."

all this time, I've tried to do it myself. without help, while outwardly appearing to accept support, but too proud to even take assistance from myself at times.


i feel a change is coming.


it feels as though i am turning a corner. not to jump ahead of myself, i am feeling pretty good. not PERFECT, but pretty good. and i'll take it. i'll actually take it any day of the week, any week, month, season of the year. but regardless, i'll take it. i don't doubt that it has something to do with my accepting help from myself, my baby step in acknowledging that maybe, just maybe, there is something bigger at work here that i can't get a grasp on for a lifetime without outside counsel coming in and doing something to shift a situation that may always be just a tad bit off, a tad bit lacking.

i'm talking about depression. i'm talking about a chemical imbalance.

as anti-medication as i am...as anti-assistance as i am...as much as i ask for help, i am not good at taking it. i'm not always great at admitting that i suffer from the human condition. from fallibility. i am GREAT at admitting it when i am - low and behold - feeling pretty good. but when i have been in the thick of things, my instinct is to hide under the covers, to withdraw, to live in the rain alone until the storm has cleared - because it, too, shall pass.  it is just my plight in life to have to sit through it, right? then, once things have yet again become manageable, i am free to shout from the rooftops how WE ARE NOT ALONE, and that WE SHOULD ALL SUPPORT EACH OTHER, and profess to those who seek solace to BE EASY ON THEMSELVES. PRACTICE FORGIVENESS.

well...ain't that the kettle.


i believe it, though. there is the kicker. it is only recently that i am beginning to truly connect the dots between the fact that if i don't support myself, if i am not easy on myself, if i don't forgive myself...how can i expect to treat others the same way? or if i am able to do that for others, what is it about my own psyche that prevents me from believing that i am worth the same level of love, of support, of self-esteem, that i try to foster in those around me?

enter genetics, stage left.

i have at times refused to acknowledge that i am like my biological family, that i have inherited some of their not-so-appealing traits. genetically, i have a grandfather who was at least at one point a functioning alcoholic, a grandmother who was depressed (god bless her, SHE HAD 11 CHILDREN, who wouldn't be?), and a mother, aunts, uncles, cousins, whom have suffered at least some form of it, even from an outside perspective. bi-polar disorder, etc...the truth is, it's there. and after such a long road for my own survival, after digging myself out my marriage, out of the whole in which i was for almost 7 years, i found myself sliding into another one, a different one, but oddly familiar.

now, though, now i know better. now i know and recognize the signs.

and i choose to change directions. i choose to crawl and fight and claw out rather than keep sliding because gravity dictates that is the way i should go, because dna determines that i am to suffer from this, even in small doses. that means work, that means emotional growth and development, that means awareness and accountability, and intention. that means believing that life doesn't happen to me, but that i play a hand in what happens as well.

knowing that, reading that, seeing on paper that i allow myself to change my path simply because i dictate the quality and integrity and type of person i would like to be and life i want to live...it is incredible how freeing that is. something so simple and unspoken for most...it is as though I've not ever given myself permission to do that, and it is fucking empowering to own that. with god's grace, natch.

i challenge all of you to do it, to love yourselves FIRST. before anyone else. it is so difficult for me to practice, but thankfully, i am in a good place. today. tomorrow, it maybe different, but i won't stop trying.

a friend this morning told me a story about a Jesuit professor she had. he said that "every day, bring your reasonable best". she found it hard to relate, being the go-getting, type-a personality that she is, that we are, and realized later how true that is. some days, our reasonable best is 100%. other days, our reasonable best is only 70%, or 40%. whatever that percentage may be on any given day, bring it. OWN IT. and then, at the end of the day, rejoice in having brought your best. don't chastise yourself for not having brought 100% when you only had 40% to give that day. you brought that 40% with all of your might, and in that you can be proud of yourself and rest easy. it is futile to try for 100% when it is not there to give, and realizing that is the first step. kindness, empathy, compassion, they are worth the most when we can gift ourselves with those things and then, only then, pass them on to others wholeheartedly.

gracias, papa dios.
b

on parenting. on parents.

parenting is arguably the most difficult journey I have ever embarked on.

the most rewarding, by far without a doubt. but, the most difficult, emotionally charged, with twists and challenges and obstacles that were not only unforeseen but also unimaginable.

i never imagined coming up against such resistance with my parents - with my mother. i knew we would have different parenting styles, as we also have different realities in which we happen to be parenting. however, i somehow imagined her to be more understanding, more respectful, more loving. and not that she isn't the most loving person to her grandchild, but she is also the person who is antithetical to everything i am trying to instill.

i get it. los padres crian, los abuelos malcrian. "parents raise, grandparents spoil." it is a well-known spanish saying that grandparents look forward to long before the moment when they know if their child even wants to have children. it is that guilt you will have to deal with for the rest of your life if you choose to not to have children. the passive-aggressive, not-so-subtle ribbing about not providing them with their entitlement to spoil - by virtue of having had a child of their own.

i know, i know. most parents do it, you say. parents have hang-ups about a lot of things, and they are not specific to the cuban/hispanic culture, so quit complaining and just ignore it. let it roll off your back. problem is, i am a good child. i grew up the star child. i not only did not misbehave for the most part, but also went to great lengths to cover up any misbehavin' that was happening in order to not disappoint. the image. it's all about the image, right?

ha. that image, and keeping it up, is what has gotten me into a lot of things in life. good, bad, ugly...and you know what? for better or worse, all of those things make me who i am: well-rounded, empathetic, caring, honest, funny, sarcastic, and fully aware of a lot of things that i am fairly adept at feigning ignorance for. i live life less fully than i would like, and it is due to that keeping up appearances.

wait. that is not entirely true. i DO live life fully, for the most part, but i am getting better at that and have worked on it for the last decade. that is the crux of the issue. when i began exerting my independence, when i began separating from the parental nest that had so lovingly raised and dedicated its life to me, i began experiencing some backlash. undeserved backlash. yes, some of it was parenting, and necessary parenting, but so much of it is disagreement with how i choose to live my life. so much of it is blatant expression of that fact that the choices i make are not unique to me - my own choices - but just. plain. WRONG. by virtue of the fact that they are not the same choices that my parents would have made.

i understand not everyone chooses this path. this is the road less traveled. it is not only much easier, but a smoother ride, to simply sit back and do things as they have always been done, just because. to let my parents give my daughter everything she wants, to let her be spoiled completely by them, to - in turn - take the easy route and give in to her whims at every tear that may fall. then, lo and behold, i have raised an entitled child. one that believes life is to be handed to her, one that knows nothing of the value of hard work, is unaware that her choices often come with consequences, however unintended. a child that thinks life is easy, and doesn't have skills to cope when it isn't.

i could argue that i would raise another me, since that is who my parents raised, right? except i wouldn't. they were a family, a nuclear - albeit different since i was adopted - and tight-knit family that did not come without a downside, either. that is another story for another day. but my situation, one in which i have, and probably will never have, no clue about what is happening at her father's house. one in which i fully know she will be spoiled and coddled by her paternal grandparents to the point of it being unhealthy. one in which they are parenting alone, when they are parenting. a life where there are moments, days, weeks, where i will not see my child, hug her, smell her, hold her hand.

...my parents wished for me. they never did anything if i could not come, if i was not included. no date nights, vacations, etc. they openly admit this. it was a wonderful message of belonging, of inclusion, except that it probably contributed to some unhealthy codependence issues. time alone, time apart, time to yourself...it is all a healthy part of growing, nurturing yourself, and developing what will eventually be your own perspective, your own opinions, your individual person. and it wasn't that i wasn't allowed to do that, there were just really specific parameters and messages sent that - although done with the best intentions - i am consciously trying to avoid. and i have a right to do so. i have a right to raise my child in the best way that i see fit, obviously while still respecting her and guiding her and loving her and protecting her.

and this is where we inherently differ. this consistent clashing of heads, where i cannot physically express a boundary for my child without it being challenged, called wrong, pushed so that i eventually give in. or yell i yell a LOT. it is frustrating, it is maddening, and it is exhausting.

i love my parents. i love my mother. but i don't love the guilt, the outright nastiness at times, and the condescension. and what scares me the most is that it has only exacerbated as she gets older. she was never this bad before. she was never outright nasty, name calling, cussing. and the underlying issue is not that i can't deal with trying to ignore this and making my voice heard to her...

...it is that i realize she is changing. aging. mortal.

and, when you've been raised to know that you are your parents' whole life, exerting your independence is a scary thing.

when you've been raised in a codependent family, trying to break away and change those patterns is hard enough, but what happens when you realize they won't always be there? what happens when the relationship that is causing you the most anguish is also the relationship you feel compelled to spend the most time with before it is no longer? and what will you do when that person, that family, is not there?

i know i will get through it. i know i will go on.

but damned if it isn't the scariest thing to think about.

b

enough is enough...and i've had it

Why?

To this, I offer up: http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html

I don’t know if I embedded this correctly, because I don’t know how to embed things. But what I do know, what I am familiar with, is missing the Capstone requirements because I spent the entire hour debating about whether or not I could eat another slice of pizza, whether I was worthy of another slice of pizza…whether I was lovable, if I were to eat another slice of pizza. 

Enough of this. For our gender, for our girls, and most importantly, for ourselves. It is the moment we look at our bodies in the mirror and tell ourselves that WE LOVE YOU, every inch of you, that not ONE part of you needs to be fixed, or smaller, or smoother, to be worthy of our own love – it is the moment that WE ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT, that we start on the road to recovery.

I love myself. I told myself that in the bathroom mirror last night. No joke. Out loud, naked, looking myself right in the eyes, and I started to cry. I cried for my years of struggle, my recovery, my daughter, the women I know, and I cried for my parents, who tried so hard to let me know they loved me unconditionally, but still managed to have a hand in this. 

To your Anger, Glennon, I say this: Anger is not “okay” because it is justified in this scenario. Feelings ARE what they ARE. Anger IS Anger. And if you are Angry, and rightfully so, the feeling is already there. It exists. It cannot be made “okay” or justified, nor does it need to be justified in the slightest bit. You do not have to explain to me, to your readers, to yourself, why you are angry. But you DO have to FEEL it, RELISH in it, let it FUEL you towards a better solution, as a motivator to heal yourself, to make a difference, to continue your God-given work on this Earth of LOVING and ACCEPTING and MAKING A DIFFERENCE for all of those who are open to the signs. Because that, my love, is what you have done for me and countless others. You have brought us in touch with ourselves, and the parts of ourselves that are not only broken, but beautiful and sometimes mended, sometimes not, as a means to really connect and TOUCH other human beings in their struggle. You inspire those of us aware enough to pick up these pieces and use them, offer them up to someone in need as a token of understanding, empathy and compassion. 

Thank you in spades for that. I continue to learn and grow each and everyday thanks to you and others like you. I hope that is of value to someone, but I already know it has been invaluable to me.

b.

what you need

You can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need

 

 

I asked. I asked for God's will...and here I am. Overwhelmed by all of the positive changes in my life, without proper time for the mourning of all that I have traded for this position, for these gifts, for this life. Positive, fruitful, promising changes I have longed for so, so many times, throughout the past year and a half. Positive, fruitful, promising changes that come with an entirely different mindset, an entirely different set of priorities than what I have accustomed myself to over the last three years.

 

It is bittersweet.

 

I am loving it.

 

I am sad.

 

 

I don't know if I asked for all of this, but I think I, God thinks I, need it. I need to keep on top of my game. My Game. The Game of Life where I Take Care of Myself, in all areas of my life. I need this to remind me just why I will be happy, just why it is that I want to be the master of the my own destiny (other than God, obviously). I need this to remind me to prioritize myself, my goals, my dreams, in just the right order, and to be responsible and accountable for each of these.

 

I want a break. I want to do the "fun stuff"...where I go out and meet people, where I go and discuss with others why I am the right fit for them, but in order to do that, as with all things worthwhile in life, there is a barrier to entry that I must meet, cross and accomplish, before I gain access to the party.

 

Ha. Hahahahaha.

 

The party that won't truly be a party until I have made it through the next 3-5 years.

 

But, on the bright side, I CAN DO THIS. I most definitely can do this after I make it past this first hurdle. Therefore, I WILL MAKE IT PAST THIS FIRST HURDLE.

 

I don't want to dwell on what I am missing out on by doing this, but I do believe it important to note this, because it otherwise grows stagnant within me instead of being free to fly out into the universe, to find it's own way.

 

I miss my baby. I miss snuggling her, playing with her, being annoyed at her insistence on things, being delighted and awed at her sense of humor, her observations, her musings about the world. I miss planning my day around what my plans with her will include.

 

I miss being a lady who lunches. A smart, articulate woman who doesn't work in an office because she is doing life's most important job - raising and shaping the future for the person she has loved most in her entire life.

 

I can't believe she's three. I can't believe it's over. I can't believe it has been a year and a half since I left my relationship - my abusive, demeaning and dysfunctional relationship.

 

I can't believe I was there for almost 7 years.

 

This....depression, this sadness, albeit passing (at least I am aware it is fleeting), it feels so cumbersome to have to deal with again.

 

I know, I know, these feelings all come to the surface, and will continue to come to the surface, during life transitions. Funny, I spend so much of my day talking about how my career is to specialize in "people in transition", all the while being a "person in transition" myself. If I am good at dealing with "them", how do I deal with me?

 

I sympathize, I empathize...I try to be caring and easy on those I meet and teach them, reiterate to them, how important it is to be easy on themselves; how vital it is that they learn to nurture themselves in ways that they wish someone had nurtured them, love themselves in ways they wished someone had loved them. Learn - hone, really - true self-sufficiency. True self-esteem. That they are already equipped with all the tools they need.

 

Life is all about lessons learned along the journey and not so much about where we finally end up, because we all end up, well, dead. Who wants to make life about death?

 

The problem occurs when the ride is not as smooth, or as fast or slow, or as exciting, or as easy, or going in the same direction - you name it - as we thought. It takes us for a spin in order to catch us off guard, throw our equilibrium off, because that is when the growing happens. That is when the wall is knocked down, to reveal a brighter today, and more potential for tomorrow, than we ever thought possible.

 

But all of this happens when we are least expecting, when we are not looking, and when we are busy doing the dirty work. If we do it right, if we learn the lessons that serve as a hammer in knocking down the wall standing between ourselves and the stairs to the next chapter, the possibilities for growth, for upward movement, are endless.

 

The sky's the limit.

 

But it all starts with a push. A push from friends, a push from loved ones, a gift from God - a belief in yourself that transcends all transitions. The ability to see through the emotions that present themselves in order to slow you down...but also the ability to acknowledge them with the tenderness, the sensitivity, and the kindness that we so strive to demonstrate to others. It all starts with being easy on yourself, then pushing through that barrier to entry.

 

Because I know I can make it. I know you can make it. And it's worth it.

 

WE ARE ALL WORTH IT.

 

Nothing in this life happens by chance.

 

B.

easy there.

As much as I am all for bettering yourself, I am also realizing that accepting too much responsibility, for wrongdoings, for things, for LIFE, really, is not necessarily the best approach at living. You know the type, or in my case, you are the type, that apologizes for everything. Someone bumps into me or drops something, I instantly apologize.

I've gotten better at catching myself. It comes with the territory of being me, of coming out of what I have, but I'm a little tired of associating myself with "what I've come out of". Known (at least in my opinion) for needlessly being too hard on myself for most of my life, I am what I am.

And I am working on becoming a better Me. A wholer Me. A Me who paints in vivid color.

It is time to be easy. It is time to be honest. It is time to be imperfect and sad and elated and spastic, all simultaneously. While holding daily dance parties with my little one. In yoga pants, or our underwear. It all is part of who I am. And if someone doesn't like that, or agree with it, then perhaps they don't have to purchase the cow, or even drive by the field.

God...God is an amazing individual, an amazing omnipotent force. He manages to be the most ever-present parent without punishment. Life takes care of that for you. He loves me - He loves you! - just as I am. Just as we are. When we drop the ball, he is right there ready to forgive us. For skipping the line, for thinking we hate someone, for leaving church before mass even starts, for cheating. For being human. That is the beauty of being loved unconditionally by someone so powerful, so present, so Full of Grace: He is ever-willing to forgive us, AND forget. All we are required to do is show up, humility and repentance in hand. Where there is repentance, desire to be forgiven, there is Forgiveness. Who can argue with that? Who can ask for anything better?

The biggest miracle of all is that He made us Perfect. In all of our faults, with all the cracks we have developed where things fall through, where The Ball is Dropped, He is there, loving us. Like a Thomas' English Muffin, He is not only familiar with all of our nooks and crannies, he believes they are all part of what make us delicious, unimaginably beautiful, perfect, irreplaceable. Our uniqueness is what makes us identifiable to Him. What ensures He Loves Each and Every One of Us, differently and individually and completely and The Same.

Why is it, then, that we tend to be so hard on ourselves, so hard on our friends? How is it that, at some point, we forget their human-ness to the point where we feel it appropriate to criticize someone instead of loving them - lifting them up? Ah, the crux of that is also due to our human-ness. We are fallible, imperfect, NOT God. So therein lies our daily burden. To be more like Him. To love others as God loves Us: unconditionally, with mercy, full of Grace. But Mr. God, He is Forgiving, remember? He is easy on Us, understands when we need a break, does not seek to make us pay for our sins, is not spiteful. So, in turn, we must try to be. Easy on others. They are trying their best. And in cases where they are not, we are not the omnipotent being we oftentimes believe ourselves to be, which means we never have the full story. In those cases where we aren't as easy on others as we'd like, more so easy on others. In the cases where we just aren't easy on others, easy on ourselves. And in the cases where we aren't easy on ourselves...well, that is what God is for. To remind us, be there, and send a gentle reminder our way. To be easy on ourselves.

So in accepting responsibility, I first and foremost must be easy on myself. Because God is easy on me. In loving and being vulnerable and making friends and starting a new career, He is In Charge. I may try to take less responsibility for others' wrongdoings in the future. I may paint in vivid colors, but sometimes may only be feeling black and white. I may stop associating myself with "what I've come out of", but it will always have a role in shaping me and how I look at things. Will I ever stop apologizing for everything? Probably not entirely, but I'm trying. God not only knows, He understands. On the days that I'm not that understanding of myself, I could not have asked for better company.

carpe diem on a tuesday.

"Change your thoughts and your change your life."

"Since you alone are responsible for your thoughts, only you can change them."
~Paramahansa Yogananda

The first of these caught my eye while driving home yesterday. The latter popped up in my Google reader just a few moments ago. Two days, two not-so-random hints from the universe. Just as I am grappling with direction, with personal focus. What you put out is what you get back, yes?

Clearly, someone out there is trying to tell me something, and in this case, I am taking it as a much-needed reminder that only I hold the power to mold where my thoughts are going. More so, where I let them lead me.

I am taking the reigns today, getting back into the swing of things, drafting a plan. I am working on my future.

It's time these boots got to walkin'.  Or writing, whatever.

On with the show. :)


“If you’re not terrified of the next step, your eyes are still closed. A caged bird in a boundless sky.” ~Jed McKenna

dating.

Divorce has left me afraid.

My ex-husband has left me afraid.

Afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of letting someone in. Really letting someone in.

 

I want love. I love Love. But I don’t want it now, and I want it now. I don’t want it like I thought I had it. I want it how it is supposed to be, how God wants it for me, how it will be healthiest for me in the long term. How I want it for my daughter.

I suffer from amnesia. It is amnesia induced specifically by attraction, by butterflies, by that feeling we are all searching for, running after; by enthusiasm and newness and promise. The promise of a new relationship: something beautiful, and meant-to-be, out of a dream. No matter how many times I tell myself not to fall, no matter how many times I try to temper my emotions, this amnesia kicks in. The amnesia gives way to idealism and excitement and suddenly, out of nowhere, opens the trap door as I am about to take a cautious (well, let’s be honest, I don’t do much with caution. Haphazard, maybe?) step forward and BAM! I fall. I fall hard, and fast, and unexpectedly. I hit the ground running sometimes, but it never turns out the way it should. You know why? Because that trap door, I knew to look out for it.

I am idealistic, we’ve covered this. I want so much to fall. I want to fall hard, and fast, and with my whole heart. And as much as I hope that one day someone will want me to fall hard, and fast, and entirely, I don’t know that it will ever be the easiest or best thing for me. That amnesia, it not only prevents me from seeing and learning from past mistakes, it prevents me from seeing danger when it’s there. It leads me to making the wrong choices; choices fueled by impulsiveness. Choices where my heart goes and my head stays.

I’m not saying not to fall, I’m not saying not to take the next step, but what I have learned is that I can’t just forget it is coming or leap blindly. I can’t let go. Not now, not yet. I need - in order to trust and believe in myself, for my own self-preservation, for my daughter, for my heart - to watch out for that trap door, avoid it for the moment. My heart, that little girl in me that has been hurt so many times, we are working on falling in love with each other again. We are building a relationship, courting each other, and I want them to fall for me. The only way I know how to do that is to care more about fostering that trust, about nurturing that safety, between them and myself than I am able to for someone else. I have never allowed them to trust me as much as I have now, it has never been as vital as it is now. I want them to trust me, I want to trust myself, I want to believe in myself, more so than I have ever given myself permission to, and my gut is telling me that, in order to do that, I have to prioritize myself more than ever. More than I have ever.

That sometimes includes disregarding others’ advice and going out on a limb.

But, if that limb is my own intuition, my own opinion, my gut…it is about God-damned time.

It has taken me 33 years to want to take care of myself more than anyone else. And it feels scary, and self-indulgent, and simultaneously justified and deserved and just like what that little girl has been waiting her whole life to hear: that she is safe. That I am going to do my damnedest to show her I am the luckiest girl in the world to be dating her. That I will never again take her for granted. Or that at least I will try.

So, yes. Divorce has made me afraid of letting someone in. Except that it has also taught me to let in the one person who I tried so hard to shut out for so many years. It has given me the opportunity to date the person I should have been courting my entire life, for the first in a decade.

I am letting myself in again. And it feels so good.

It is about time.

Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me
I'd still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal
To let this love survive would be the greatest gift we could give
Tell all the friends who think they're so together
That these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather
Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms of love's discovery

Indigo Girls: Love’s Recovery